Mercy is old
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: In this emotionally deep story, Mercy tries to face something every human being has to face at some point in their life. Rated M because the subject of this story might get you thinking about deep stuff, such as the meaning of life, or why Italian food is so damn delicious.


**I don't even know how I come up with stuff THIS ridiculous anymore...**

* * *

Mercy was just minding her own business in her room when suddenly, Roadhog broke through the door, which was reduced to tiny bits that flew through the room and impaled Mercy's head, fatally killing her to death.

"Shit. That wasn't supposed to happen!" Roadhog said and he just used a remote control to rewind the story.

* * *

Mercy was just minding her own business in her room when suddenly, Roadhog carefully opened the door and peeked inside.

"Am I interrupting?" He asked.

Mercy looked up to him and smiled. "Of course not Roadhog, what seems to be the problem?" She asked.

Roadhog entered her room and sat down on a chair. Usually he would have trouble not getting nervous around this woman he desired so much. But not this time.

This time, shit was serious. **(lol, like I'm ever serious XD)**

"So, I was on my computer just now, browsing the web and looking at Overwatch por... I mean the Overwatch Wiki." Roadhog said. Mercy frowned.

"Keep going..." She said.

"At some point, I started reading the pages related to us members of the Overwatch team. It goes without saying that I eventually came across YOUR wiki page..."

"Where is this going Mako?" Mercy asked.

"Well... how am I going to ask this?" Roadhog wondered. "Is it... true... that you are, in fact, 37 years old?"

Mercy blinked.

"Vas zhat it? You just wanted to know how old I am?" She asked. The doctor giggled and said:

"Yeah, that's true! I am 37 years old."

 _"UGH!"_ Roadhog yelled and he jumped off his chair. _"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS WOMAN? YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A MILF! MAJOR COCKBLOCK ALERT! I MEAN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO BE 37 YEARS OLD?"_

"It's not really a choice..." Mercy began, but Roadhog flipped the chair over and yelled:

 _"NO! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE OLD, YOU OUGHTA LOOK THE PART! SECOND, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE YOUNG LIKE DVA? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"_

"What the heck is your problem man?" Mercy asked.

Roadhog simply ignored her and exclaimed: _"BUT HEY IT'S COOL! PERFECT LITTLE ANGELA CAN BE AS OLD AS SHE WANTS TO! AIN'T NOBODY TELLING HER OTHERWISE!"_

He then stomped out of her room and left Mercy with a derpy look on her face.

* * *

 _Nek mornin_

* * *

Mercy yawned and sat right up in her bed. It was time to get up and enjoy another beautiful day in Watchpoint: Gibraltar. She got dressed and then got the most important part of her day out of the way. She walked over to Mei's room and peeked inside. When she saw that Mei was still sleeping, she pulled out a stick of dynamite, ignited it and threw it inside. Then she walked away, to the breakfast table.

It was quite calm in the dining area. Genji was getting ready for his morning jog, Ana was cooking some eggs, Junkrat was enjoying some nice, juicy apples and Soldier: 76 was reading a paper whilst sipping from a mug of coffee.

"Good morning everyone!" Mercy said.

"Morning."

Mercy sat down at the table and reached for the sandwiches. Soldier looked at her over his paper for a moment. The doctor noticed and asked.

"What's the matter? Have I messed up my eyeliner?" Mercy asked.

"No, it's not that." Soldier said. "I just heard that you are, in fact, a milf."

"Oh for fuck's sake..." Mercy sighed. Ana walked over to her and placed an arm on her shoulder.

"What's the matter dear? That's nothing to be ashamed of!" She said.

"No, but he SERIOUSLY told you? Roadhog I mean."

"Lol yeah, he tweeted about it yesterday. It's all over twitter." Soldier said.

"But don worry about it! We all accept you and love you for the kind-hearted dry fossil you are!"

"...Thanks?" Mercy said/asked.

Then suddenly the door broke open. Everybody turned their heads towards the dust that was clearing slowly and they saw...

"God damnit!" Genji said. "Another black guy?"

In the opening was Doomfist, his left hand clenched into a fist and his big, silver, throbbing right fist was clenched into a fist as well. I like the word fist. The word fist makes me smile. But only the actual word "fist". I don't like fists in my face. Or a fist up my bottom. Fists aren't funny when they're there. But enough about fists. Let's get back to Doomfist. With his fists.

"YES, it is I, Doomfist. And with my mighty fists I will show you how I roll. Prepare your anus... for my fists!"

Before anyone could react, Doomfist charged up his fist and dashed towards Genji. His fist made contact with Genji's chin and that stupid mask of his flew right off his face. Then Doomfist slammed his fist in Genji's mouth and ripped out his tongue. He then squashed the tongue with his fist and used his other fist to quickly shoot a shotgun round at Soldier, who tried to reach for his rifle.

Ana tried to save herself by throwing some eggs in Doomfist's face, but his almighty fist caught the eggs without breaking them - because fuck logic - and threw them back at Ana, who was knocked out by the raw, ferocious power of the eggs being thrown by Doomfist's fist.

Mercy jumped on top of the table, took her pistol in one of her fists and aimed it at Doomfist.

"HALT! FISTS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!" She yelled and Doomfist raised his fists.

"You fisting-ass motherfucker!" Mercy spat. "Who the fuck do you think you are, to come here, with your fists and just destroy everything and everyone?"

"Well, fi(r)st of all, I'm black. Can't argue with that!" Doomfist replied.

"Second, we needed a bit of conflict in this story, so I thought that would justify the appearance of me and my fists!"

Mercy thought for a second while keeping her eyes on those huge fists. She then tightened her fist around her pistol and said: "No, it does NOT justify you and your fists! From now on, I don't want to see your fists destroy anything or anyone anymore! That's a lot of "any"'s. Shit, got through a sentence without saying "fists"."

Then Mei, who appearently survived the dynamite stick from earlier, came inside and noticed the huge mess in the room, along with Doomfist and his fists.

"Who is this guy with the large fists?" She asked, but before she could finish, Doomfist lunged at her and squashed her stupid face with his fist.

Mercy loosened her fist around her pistol and looked at Doomfist.

"Ok, maybe you can destroy SOME people with your fists..." She sighed softly. Doomfist smiled at her and said: "Well, these fists don't just DESTROY, y'know..."

And then he took Mercy to his room and the entire night he put his fists somewhere very pleasant. That's what the cool kids call "Fisting".

When he was finally done with Mercy, he had transformed into a higher being and he became a Fist-God. With his divine fists he turned his fellow blacks into Gods and with Reaper and Lúcio on his side, he ruled the Earth from Mount Olymphist. They had a pleasant life for millions of years, until there was a high-five uprising and both he, his fists and his accomplices were executed for crimes against humanity and fisting thousands of innocents women without their consent.

* * *

 **In total, the word "fist(s)" is more than 40 times in this story. I'd argue that's still not enough, but I'll leave that up to you to decide.**


End file.
